Space Zine

My friend (we’ll call him B) and I regularly spend holidays texting each other back and forth trying to top each other’s ridiculous family antics. His fam is more openly aggressive while mine opts for the passive approach. We first learned that we hated holidays when I told him to be thankful because I was trimming my massive bush. (Consequently, Thanksgiving always reminds me to perform this task.)

Anyway, the holidays have been a merciless teacher, but I will now instill the wisdom behind my decision to spend Christmas with my favorite person in holiday misery.

1. B and I would much rather spend time singing “I Drive Myself Crazy” than actually doing it.

2. We can get drunk on alcohol that smells like pine trees.

3. Have you ever spent a holiday getting polite-drunk on blueberry wine? I don’t think you really need a further explanation beyond that.

4. Let’s be honest, no one really likes apple pie that much.

5. Less racism, more macaroni and cheese.

6. B and I will actually speak to each other while consuming Christmas foods. Not only will we have a conversation that doesn’t openly 

a. condemn California

b. belittle people that believe in global warming

c. inadvertently criticize others for not making gravy

but we will never tell each other that the other is getting fat.

I really hate how silent it is at the dinner table and how we have to pray even though no one would care if we didn’t. I hate the time my dad and brother couldn’t just get up and walk ten feet to serve themselves dessert and then my mom yelled at me for not taking it to them. I hate criticizing my own food because I know someone’s going to do it anyway.

I hate that my mom is the only person who visits her side of the family during the holidays because no one will go with her. I hate myself for not going. I hate that I have an obligation to go to church at night (we’re not even Catholic!) and I hate singing out loud. I hate that no one wants to have a strong drink after the Christmas service.

I even hate my parents’ TV remotes. How do they fucking work?

The holidays piss me off like nothing else in my life does. The only thing I feel like celebrating Thanksgiving through New Year’s is the fact that I’m not drunk every day.